Hellboy II: Creature Overload

I feel the need to refute every other review out there for this film. The majority of reviews are raving about Hellboy II: The Golden Army. But the reasons they love it are the same reasons I think it fell flat. Guillermo Del Toro is a fan-boy director. He is a 13-year-old boy trapped in the body of an arrested adult. Sometimes that works. But in this case, it did not.

The plot is completely nonsensical. One of the last of the albino elves wants to re-raise an army of gold transformers in order to destroy all humans and Hellboy must stop him. Fair enough, but I have questions. Why did the Albino Prince wait so long to attempt this? Was he just working out one day in his lair next to the Subway and decided he was done with humanity? His plan seems to have several steps involving unleashing various monsters upon the Earth. He must also find his twin sister who has the last piece of the crown with which to control the Golden Army. But according to her they have a psychic connection so he can just find her whenever he wants. So why does all of this take so damned long? Just so Abe the fish man can fall doomedly in love with the Albino Princess? So Hellboy and Liz Sherman can have that cliche movie argument where she is pregnant but instead of just telling him like a normal person would, she gets all pissy and throws fire balls?

No. It’s so little Guillermo can make more creatures. CREATURES! OMG! CREATURES! Look at them all! Goblins apparently come in all shapes and sizes. There are some flat-faced dudes too. And some small leachy things. And tumor babies. And this guy with big teeth and no eyes. And a big-assed Treebeard/Godzilla hybrid…and…and…Where was I? Oh yeah. In the middle of a movie. I guess we can have the bad guy battle Hellboy now. He’ll do all those flippy moves we saw him do earlier. But this time it will be against HELLBOY so it will feel fresh and new.

Also, why did the Albino Prince sacrifice the LAST of the Elementals when he knew that Hellboy would have to fight it? So he could get even madder at the humans? Did he think he could win Hellboy over by telling him, after the thing had destroyed half the city, that it was the last of its kind? Albino Prince should take those odds to the roulette table and stop messing with endangered species.

Still more questions: Why the hell do the Dream Team give Jeffrey Tambor such a hard time? As far as I can tell, the man is just trying to do his job directing the B.P.R.D. He has some pretty valid points about Hellboy being insolent. I guess no one likes their boss. But really. Give the guy a break. What are they going to do instead? Open a bakery? Work on their doctorates?

OK, so it wasn’t ALL bad. There were a few shining moments. Ron Perlman is at the top of his game any time Hellboy acts like Hellboy, accepting cigars as motivation and drinking beer. One scene involving drunk Hellboy and Abe talking about women and singing Barry Manilow was a highlight. Though it definitely felt like product placement for Hellboy to have a locker filled with Tecate LIGHT. That’s right. Those silver cans sheath the low calorie version of the classic Mexican beer. I love a cool, refreshing Tecate myself, but I greatly doubt a candy enthusiast like Hellboy would bother with light beer.

Product placement aside, those moments felt like a callback to the comics. But a Hellboy movie should be ALL callback. Del Toro is too easily distracted by his creature-making abilities to bother with a script. And America is too dazzled by his world to pay attention to why we are there in the first place. Why am I the only one who sees this?

Man. I need a Tecate.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army is in theatres now! Check out the trailer on ReelTime.com.

Tags: guillermo del toro, hellboy ii, jeffrey tambor, movies, reviews, ron perlman, selma blair, tecate

Disney’s Dumbo, When I See An Elephant Fly!

When Walt Disney delivered Dumbo to RKO Pictures for distribution, the studio demanded that the film be lengthened from its 64 minute running time or cut up into short subjects. Disney refused. RKO then suggested that a 64 minute film would work better as a B-movie, under a live-action picture. Again, Disney refused, and the frustrated studio bosses at RKO released Dumbo as a feature length cartoon.

Released on October 23, 1941 Dumbo was instant hit with kids and adults. Although Pearl Harbor and the United States entrance into World War Two two months later was at first thought to be a hindrance to the film’s success, audiences wanted a distraction from the horrors of war, and this made Dumbo extremely profitable for Walt Disney’s company.

Dumbo was the first Walt Disney picture to be released on videocassette. It was released in 1981 for rental only. In 1982 it was put on sale for the first time. Dumbo has never been out of print, since then. Therefore, it’s fitting that Dumbo is part of the first group of Walt Disney pictures streaming on ReelTime. Almost 70 years after its initial release, Dumbo still entertains young and old, with a classic story that resonates with anyone who has felt like an outsider.
Dumbo
Tags: 1941, disney, dumbo, streaming video

http://blog.reeltime.com/rtime/img/reviews/DUMBO.jpg

John Wayne’s Teeth… No Bob Hope’s

At this moment on ReelTime Weblogs of movies, spruce geese and hamburgers… we have our newest entry on Bob Hope.

Life is good; while you’re alive, that is, I guess was for Mr. Hope

Earlier this week, Linda Hope announced an estate sale of the late Bob Hope’s personal belongings. Times are hard everywhere, I suppose.

There are many items going to the block. A lota funny hats and golf clubs, I’m told. One interesting thing on the block will be Hope’s dentures, which definitely have my interest as a buyer.

The way I see it, his papers and pictures, even the golf clubs are far too ephemeral.

The teeth, why, that’s like buying a piece of the man, himself. And I’m sure high quality dentures would last hundreds of years. I have scripts from 10 years ago that have fallen apart. Why would I want to buy that? The teeth on the other hand. Ah, the teeth!

I have good memories of Hope, even though he called me a “bum.” “Your father didn’t make pictures with so much blood, you bum!” He yelled at me in ‘69 at a party with Peter Sellers and an elephant.

S. Darko??

This time on ReelTime’s Weblog of movies and more…. S. Darko, what it do?

Set 8 years after the death of Donnie, S. Darko is the recently announced sequel to the cult classic Donnie Darko. According to the producers, the story involves Donnie’s little sister on a road trip to Los Angeles.

This is a hard sell. Some people take Donnie Darko very, very seriously. To the Superfans, this might be like tampering with Citizen Kane.

But even making a sequel to Grease can be trouble. And just like the spectacular flop Grease 2, S. Darko has none of the principals from the original involved.

I sense a disaster on the horizon. That giant rabbit guy is warning me – this movie is a bad idea.

rick roll, oh so beautiful

I love rick rolling, I try to do as much rolling as I can. I mean honestly it is hilarious.

Simply put Rick Astley is better than Chuck Norris.

http://www.rickrolled.com/

Sydney Pollack

Someone died. That’s sad. But life goes on. It always does. Until it
doesn’t. Okay?

Sidney Pollack didn’t write or direct that; he just acted it in one of his greatest roles, Ziegler in Eyes Wide Shut. But he wasn’t just an actor. He was a director who made some great movies like Tootsie, They Shoot Horses Don’t They? and Out of Africa. We’re gonna miss him over here.

Dewey Cox

Today on ReelTime reviews and more, a movie review!

It took the movie Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story for me to realize the talents of Dewey Cox. His career spanned four decades and he truly revolutionized modern pop music. Played perfectly by his almost exact look-a-like John C Reily (Days of Thunder) and directed by the son of my favorite director Lawrence Kasdan, Jake, Walk Hard truly opened my eyes to a world of music I had no idea existed.

Growing up I mostly listened to whatever was on the radio, top of the pops. Some of my favorites and still are: Rick Astley, El DeBarge, Huey Lewis and the News, Green Day, and Semisonic. But as I got older and began to research the origins of music, I found that Dewey Cox was really behind a great deal of musical movements in the late 20th century!

He even hung out with the Beatles and took drugs with them! I didn’t know that, and found out from the movie! LOL! But seriously JUST SAY NO! It didn’t help Dewey Cox at all, and in fact, at the end of his life, he realized the things that matter most in life, are family, friends, and the joys of music.