The Real Love Guru

I’m not too familiar with the work of Mike Meyers, but it seems to me he’s trying to become some kind of later-day Peter Sellers. I’ve heard some pretty wild stories about his on-set antics as a prima dona, which make me hesitant to work with the guy, but truthfully, I’m sure they’ve said the same about me, on occasion.

No, I didn’t see The Love Guru (2008) this weekend, but neither did most of you out there in the Magic Kingdom. What I did do was get a call at about 2AM Sunday night. I was having a sauna in the carriage house at the time when my phone vibrated.

It’s a young friend – the English director. He’s shooting a movie in Tunisia and the ol’ ball and chain is giving him problems. Two artists, you know? I just don’t think it works. Better you find yourself a nice young schoolteacher, Guy, I tell him, like my first wife. He’s freaking out a little, I imagine he’s in his trailer, either they’re waiting for him on set, or he’s got a little time before they start waiting on him. We met at Cannes in ‘98 and kept in touch. I liked his style and I’m always interested in the European sensibility. I don’t know the wife, but I do know, as you know, yourself, she’s a big star. I never quite got her, to be honest. Disco was never really my thing.

I tell him this, but he’s unimpressed. He’s in love. Have you told her this, I ask? He grumbles. The worst part of it all, he says, is that she leaves the cap of the toothpaste covered in sticky blue goo. She does? This sounds like a sexual problem, to me, Papa Freud. Are you two shagging, I ask. Not in a long time, he mopes. We’re too busy.

There’s your problem, I say. I tell this to my kids, all the time: ‘if you’re too busy, maybe you’re too busy.’ They don’t get it, but The Director does. I should get down to Malawi, huh, he says. Get down, babe. Get down.

I press the phone off and pour a plastic cup of water onto the rocks. Steam rushes up with a hiss and quickly fills the room with white smoke. I can’t believe the kid listened to me. I give ‘em six months.

Tags, reeltime, movies, movie streaming, movie reviews, new releases, the love guru, mike myers, at the theaters, reeltimes, funny, austin powers.

Indiana Jones: A Joke?

So this time on my reeltime blog I am brining you normal movie news:

Indiana Jones and the story of the lost script:

http://www.the-editing-room.com/indianajones4.html

John Wayne’s Teeth… No Bob Hope’s

At this moment on ReelTime Weblogs of movies, spruce geese and hamburgers… we have our newest entry on Bob Hope.

Life is good; while you’re alive, that is, I guess was for Mr. Hope

Earlier this week, Linda Hope announced an estate sale of the late Bob Hope’s personal belongings. Times are hard everywhere, I suppose.

There are many items going to the block. A lota funny hats and golf clubs, I’m told. One interesting thing on the block will be Hope’s dentures, which definitely have my interest as a buyer.

The way I see it, his papers and pictures, even the golf clubs are far too ephemeral.

The teeth, why, that’s like buying a piece of the man, himself. And I’m sure high quality dentures would last hundreds of years. I have scripts from 10 years ago that have fallen apart. Why would I want to buy that? The teeth on the other hand. Ah, the teeth!

I have good memories of Hope, even though he called me a “bum.” “Your father didn’t make pictures with so much blood, you bum!” He yelled at me in ‘69 at a party with Peter Sellers and an elephant.

Movie Review at ReelTime:The Happening

This week at ReelTime movie reviews, The Happening

This weekend I saw M. Night Shamalyan’s The Happening! True, The Incredible Hulk came out, and also true I love, love, love, love computer animated movies, but c’mon, guys, this was the guy who gave us Lady in the Water! I had to see it! So after Twins of Glimmer practice with Renald, (where I did an extended-extended version of Emotional Rescue, which we will probably include on our upcoming CD, FYI.) we went over to the theater.

And I was not disappointed! I should warn you that is a very strange movie. Even stranger than Lady in the Water! But wow it packs a punch! I’m not really even sure what it’s about – something causes people to start killing themselves in big cities in the Northeast. There are lots of theories, but no one knows why. And then it stops, just as mysteriously as it started.

Much like The Birds, there is no explanation for the “act of nature.” It just happens. The Happening, get it? It reminded me of the time my cousin Andrew fell from his roof trying to get his Frisbee. He fell and hit the fence around his house. If he would have hit the ground, he would have died, but the way he hit the fence, he just got cut really bad. It also makes me think of that movie Magnolia, which wasn’t a fave because it was so darn long, but they talk about how strange things happen all the time. And that is so true!

The only thing I would have changed is that I would have had Zooey Deschanel singing at the end, because she is a good singer.

Hey, if you didn’t notice it’s summer, again!!! And it’s darn hot! I am going to go get an Otter Pop and chill inside. I’m thinking The Quick and the Dead (same director as Spiderman, natch!) CYAZ!!!

They might look bored but they are scared out of their minds.

S. Darko??

This time on ReelTime’s Weblog of movies and more…. S. Darko, what it do?

Set 8 years after the death of Donnie, S. Darko is the recently announced sequel to the cult classic Donnie Darko. According to the producers, the story involves Donnie’s little sister on a road trip to Los Angeles.

This is a hard sell. Some people take Donnie Darko very, very seriously. To the Superfans, this might be like tampering with Citizen Kane.

But even making a sequel to Grease can be trouble. And just like the spectacular flop Grease 2, S. Darko has none of the principals from the original involved.

I sense a disaster on the horizon. That giant rabbit guy is warning me – this movie is a bad idea.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Senility

I know I am late to the Indiana Jones/Crystal Skull party and a review almost a MONTH later is pretty irrelevant but it’s my party and I’ll blog if I want to.

So why did I put off seeing this movie? For starters, I knew…I just KNEW that it was going to be a profound disappointment. So I waited. And waited. And when I could wait no longer, I saw it.

And it was…National Treasure. Think about it. Replace Harrison Ford with Nicolas Cage, Shia LaBeouf with that snarky side-kick who also played the retarded boy in Gigli. Swap Karen Allen with that kind of dull blonde lady whose name escapes me and then pretend El Dorado is somewhere is hidden somewhere in the midwest. It’s National effing Treasure. IT IS!

Of course, I LOVED the National Treasure movies. But let’s be honest. They aren’t…shall we say…GOOD. They are profoundly silly. Interestingly, critics were calling them the Indiana Jones revival. In this case, the student has become the master and the master has regressed. They took their 25 year old franchise and turned it into a National Treasure fan film. The biggest problem with this is that Harrison Ford is no Nicolas Cage.

Don’t get me wrong. Harrison Ford…or at least Indiana Jones (and Space Indy, Han Solo) were my first childhood crush(es). I’m fairly certain that his characters affected, at least physically, the type of man I am attracted to as an adult: Scruffy looking (who’s scruffy lookin’?!) fellows with a perpetual 5:00 shadow, glistening with sweat and a bit of chest hair poking out the top of an unkempt dress shirt. A dry wit and a bit of an ego don’t hurt either. Especially if they can save your ass from Nazis or voodoo and sweep you off your feet. Ah…Venice.

In contrast, while I adore the acting of Nicolas Cage, I don’t find him or any of his characters the least bit attractive. Sure, Wild at Heart’s Sailor is romantic as hell, but he’s already losing quite a bit of hair at such a young tender age. And his snake skin jacket may be a symbol of his individuality and belief in person freedom but…it’s a jacket made of SNAKE SKIN. Tell me…was it a CORN snake?

So the problem with Indy 4 is that Indy/Ford (at this point they are interchangeable) is just TOO DAMN SERIOUS to pull off the cartoonish feat of surviving a nuclear blast at ground zero by hiding inside a fridge while the gophers from Caddy Shack snicker in the distance. The monkey and giant ant shenanigans and even reluctantly gripping a CG snake to get pulled out of quicksand by the Fonz…those things are for a different sort of actor and a different sort of movie. NOT for Henry Jones Jr. He is supposed to be the STRAIGHT MAN. The only jokes he make should either occur during or result in a fist fight.

I suppose I’m not surprised though. My heart was already broken by the Films That Shall Not Be Named. I knew that George Lucas had lost all his marbles. I hoped that Spielberg would reign him in. But he’s not so great anymore either. It makes sense. As you age, your perspective shifts. You become detached and you can no longer relate to the young. You can’t understand what they want and you don’t really CARE what they want either. You have earned the right to do what you feel because you have been around the block, damnit! What this scene needs is a few more hilarious animals. CAN WE GET SOME MORE MONKEYS IN HERE PLEASE?!

Their treasure wasn’t gold. It was gophers. Gophers were their treasure

rick roll, oh so beautiful

I love rick rolling, I try to do as much rolling as I can. I mean honestly it is hilarious.

Simply put Rick Astley is better than Chuck Norris.

http://www.rickrolled.com/

Sydney Pollack

Someone died. That’s sad. But life goes on. It always does. Until it
doesn’t. Okay?

Sidney Pollack didn’t write or direct that; he just acted it in one of his greatest roles, Ziegler in Eyes Wide Shut. But he wasn’t just an actor. He was a director who made some great movies like Tootsie, They Shoot Horses Don’t They? and Out of Africa. We’re gonna miss him over here.

Dewey Cox

Today on ReelTime reviews and more, a movie review!

It took the movie Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story for me to realize the talents of Dewey Cox. His career spanned four decades and he truly revolutionized modern pop music. Played perfectly by his almost exact look-a-like John C Reily (Days of Thunder) and directed by the son of my favorite director Lawrence Kasdan, Jake, Walk Hard truly opened my eyes to a world of music I had no idea existed.

Growing up I mostly listened to whatever was on the radio, top of the pops. Some of my favorites and still are: Rick Astley, El DeBarge, Huey Lewis and the News, Green Day, and Semisonic. But as I got older and began to research the origins of music, I found that Dewey Cox was really behind a great deal of musical movements in the late 20th century!

He even hung out with the Beatles and took drugs with them! I didn’t know that, and found out from the movie! LOL! But seriously JUST SAY NO! It didn’t help Dewey Cox at all, and in fact, at the end of his life, he realized the things that matter most in life, are family, friends, and the joys of music.