Not a Review of Mamma Mia…

Rather, a wistful remembrance of my intoxicated viewing of said film. Intoxicated not by booze, but by the flickering lights in the weird world of music and dance -

Slow motion Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan singing with a strange Borat-like accent on a cliff, the strangest version of Gimme, Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight) I’ve ever heard, these are the things that swirl in my brain and make me eagerly anticipate the next viewing of this little classic.

I had never seen the musical, so I didn’t know what I was getting into; but once it started I understood that I was going to get pure cinematic enjoyment.

While The Dark Knight is full of real and feigned gravitas, Mamma Mia takes nothing seriously, except (like Huey Lewis) the power of love, and in strange consequence creates a whirlwind of emotion stronger than The Dark Knight, and 10 times more enjoyable. There is no bullshit moment (where the viewer sees the puppet strings of the filmmakers and calls, ‘Bullshit!’) in Mamma Mia, because it’s all bullshit. This unbelievable world is made very clear from the beginning and we don’t need to suspend disbelief because this is a musical set to the music of ABBA. Consequently, it all works; everything fits perfectly, like a finely crafted wedge of European cheese.

Streep as Dancing Queen

Tags: abba, european cheese wedge, mamma mia, meryl streep, movie, review

Obvious Casting of the Day

According to a tip on AICN, Johnny Depp has been attached to the role of the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland movie (coming in 2010).

Well, DUH. Could it have ever been anyone else? Tim Burton doesn’t audition. He just watches his old movies to cast his next one.

That means that the Queen of Hearts will DEFINITELY be played by Lisa Marie.

Oh wait…I forgot…He’s boning Helena Bonham Carter now. Scratch that. Helena Bonham Carter will get the job.

Sorry Lisa! If you’re looking for work, I just heard they’re opening a new Sonic location in the Puget Sound area!

Tags: alice in wonderland, casting, johnny depp, movies, tim burton

Today in Disturbing Hollywood Announcements

First up is the sad news that dear old John Waters has gone senile and decided it’s a good idea to make a sequel to his movie musical based on a Broadway musical based on his movie which contained music. He hopes to reunite the original cast of the movie musical based on the Broadway musical based on his movie which means that he actually thought John Travolta in a fat suit was a suitable substitute for the bad ass legend, Divine. This makes me sad and pukey. I usually cry when I puke, so I’m crying twice as hard for this one.

In other neutering of beloved sexually progressive films based on musicals, some shitheads at MTV are planning to remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I don’t understand how a film which STILL plays to packed houses of rabid fans can even be considered for something like this. Apparently, they don’t fear rabid fan mobs anymore. Or perhaps they never did…

Tags: divine, harispray, john waters, musicals, remakes, rocky horror

Collapse!

But this is Hollywood, it happens. The stress gets to you and makes you do strange things. Look at this kid Christian Bale, with the number one movie of the weekend, and maybe the number one of all-time, the way the pooh-bahs are talking, gets himself arrested for assaulting his dear, old mother. I don’t know much about this kid, but it sounds like it’s the stress.

Tags: assault, christian bale, elliott gould, fainting, hollywood, punch, stress

8 Big Uh-Ohs! in Movie History

Forget movie twists, any writer can tell you it was all a dream. The real challenge in making a movie that people get into is the ‘Big Uh Oh.’ That’s the point in the movie where life is never going to be the same for the main character. For example, ‘Uh-oh Dorothy is running away from home. Here comes a Twister!!! Now that’s a Big uh-oh. We’re not in Kansas anymore!’ Get it? Okay, cool, let’s proceed with some of the Biggest Uh-Ohs, in no particular order.

Vertigo Scottie (played by James Stewart) blows his cover when Madeline– Uh Oh! tries to kill herself by jumping into the San Francisco Bay.

2001 A different kind of big Uh Oh, 2001 presents the viewer with a jarring cut from a bone thrown in the air in prehistoric times to an orbiting space station, letting audiences know anything can happen, and probably will. And then does.

The Wizard of Oz Okay, I used it as an example, but it’s definitely one of the best, fascinating Uh-Ohs in movie history.

The Last Boy Scout As the movie starts, a football player runs down the field to avoid being tackled. As an opposing player comes to tackle him, the player with the ball pulls out a handgun and shoots the opponent, uh-oh. He improbably makes it to the end zone and turns the handgun on himself. Big Uh-Oh. Just what kind of movie is this? While I agree this scene borders on the absurd in 1991, it is oddly prescient of the media ultraviolence which would become commonplace in the 21st century.

Double Indemnity This one is pretty easy, but also interesting, because of the flashback structure, we’re already saying uh-oh when Neff starts his tale, but the Big Uh-Oh comes when he and Phillis decide to commit murder, most foul.

Toy Story Uh oh, theres a new toy; Big Uh-Oh– I’m lost with him!!!

Close Encounters of the Third Kind Despite being voted off the AFI 100 Greatest Movies list 10th anniversary, Close Encounters remains a masterwork and when Richard Dreyfuss encounters alien spacecraft, the audience says uh oh, but when little Barry is presumably abducted, the big Uh Oh has commenced.

Psycho Hitchcock again proves he is the master of the big Uh Oh, when Norman’s ‘Mother’ murders the little uh oh personified by Marion Crane in the shower and creating a big Uh-Oh.

Surprise! He doesn’t want the money.

Symbol of a Symbol of a Symbol

So my mom and dad said I had to go see the feelings doctor after my Burger King incident. They thought it would be a good idea, and it never hurts to talk things out to a professional, right? We talked about my parents and about some dreams I have sometimes where I am Shrek and about to marry Princess Fionna, but right before we kiss she transforms into my Mom!!! LOLZ

Not sure if it’s considered professional or not, but then the doc suggested we get out the office and do something fun. I thought it was cool, and we took my car to the movies. I had already seen The Dark Knight at midnight on Thursday, but my Doctor had not so we left her office and I watched Batman for the third time. What a movie! During the movie I noticed that my therapist held my hand, which I thought was kind of odd, but I attributed it to the scary Heath Leger performance.

After the movie we went to Cozy Soup and Burger and discussed more personal things. My therapist explained that just like Bruce Wayne, I had issues with my parents which caused me to want to have a different persona. She said that I would keep trying on different personas, until I found one which would make me feel like I had achieved and surpassed my Dad. Along with that, she said something about me needing a sexual partner, which would recreate my infant relationship with my mom! LOL! Then she leaned forward, wiped some ketchup from my mouth and planted a big wet one on me.

She goes, “Let’s get in your car. Let’s go, head to the West Coast. I have money.”

And, guys, it was tempting.

But I knew that Joey is more than just a name. Joey is a symbol. I understood that she was trying to recreate her own childhood, by trying to take on the persona of her own mother! This is what therapists call ‘transference.’ It seems to happen a lot to female therapists who have me as a patient. (Not to brag or anything.)

I stood up at the table and looked down at her and said, “Doc, I may not be the Joey you want, but I’m the Joey you deserve.” And just like that I was audi, homies. That’s just the way I have to roll. I need a new feelings doctor, any takers?

Tags: batman, cougar, cozy soup and burger, dark knight, freud, heath leger, psychoanalysis, superhero, therapist

The Dark Knight: Yeah, It’s Good

It’s possible that I was influenced by the majesty of IMAX. The six story screen certainly brings you right smack dab into the middle of the Gotham. But even without the enveloping surround sound and the large-as-life cityscapes, The Dark Knight is really damned good. That’s what everyone is going to tell you. Because it’s an irrefutable truth. If you liked Tim Burton’s Batman, Batman Begins, or pretty much any aspect of the Batman oeuvre, you will not be disappointed by The Dark Knight

With Batman Begins Christopher Nolan was just getting warmed up. We all knew the man had an ace up his sleeve by the name of Heath Ledger. But he didn’t stop there. He traded in his crappy Katie Holmes card for a Maggie Gyllenhaal, to create a winning hand which already included Christian Bale and the glorious Gary Oldman (playing soon-to-be Commissioner Gordon with all the heart and internal conflict that role requires). Morgan Freeman’s Lucius Fox is fleshed out, tag-teaming with Michael Caine’s Alfred as Bruce Wayne’s moral touchstone.

The replacement of Katie Holmes was completely necessary. She was the big honking blemish of Batman Begins, walking through scenes like a necromanced cardboard cutout. “Step Aside. I am a District Attorney,” she said flatly and we couldn’t help but recall Keanu Reeves’ delivery of a similar line in Point Break. She had no chemistry with Christian Bale (because only Andrew McCarthy can have chemistry with a mannequin). But Nolan had the wherewithal to cast Gyllenhaal. And suddenly, Rachel Dawes was a real girl. She had emotions and witty things to say. And most of all, chemistry with not one – but two male leads. What a breath of fresh air she is.

And then there’s Heath. Once the trailers hit, I don’t think anybody doubted that he was going to nail the Joker role. The over-hyped talk of Oscar noms gave me pause. How could it not? It would be so cheap to give him a posthumous Oscar when a comic book film would never be considered for such things under ordinary circumstances. But he was a mean Joker in every sense of the word. He was simultaneously scary and hilarious. He embodied the character full stop. He made someone like the Joker a real-world possibility. He certainly gave Jack Nicholson a run for his money (not that such things are difficult, these days).

But lets not forget the other villain of The Dark Knight: Two Face. Gone are the days when multiple Batman villains gather together in each others’ lairs and cackle and scheme. Two Face doesn’t revel in his evil. He hates it. It reminds him of everything he lost. But he is no longer in control of his own destiny. Like Anton Chigurh, he obeys the outcome of a coin toss. This makes him more frightening than a room full of Batman villains. Save the Joker, of course.

Thank you, Christopher Nolan, for breathing life into Batman once again. Fantastic actors are playing comic book characters straight and for realism. I really like this trend. Let’s hope it sticks.

The Dark Knight is in theaters now. You pretty much have to see it. Spring for the IMAX if you can.

Watching (Snippets of) the Watchmen

Preceding the Dark Knight is the first trailer for the upcoming Watchmen film, based on what is essentially considered the greatest graphic novel ever written. This film has been in development forever, shuffling about directors and actors and continuing to piss off Alan Moore, the man behind the book. Alan Moore is right to be concerned. So far, his brilliant graphic novels have been turned into appalling films which strip them utterly of their effulgent genius. Remember The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? I try not to myself. (Fun tidbit. League was the film which Sean Connery accepted in lieu of the role of GANDALF in a little indie trilogy called The Lord of the Rings.)

You know what though? The Watchmen trailer didn’t look…that…bad. I know. I couldn’t believe it either. Granted that Billy Corgan soundtrack was pretty atrocious and I couldn’t help but snicker when they billed it as being “from the visionary director of 300“. Visionary? Really? The man knows how to use a green screen and that freeze motion camera effect, I’ll give him that. But so do lots of people in Hollywood. Was Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow a visionary film? (Don’t answer that. It’s rhetorical. And also, no.) 300 was at best a decent action film (and at worst, an offensive right wing polemic.) Before that, Zach Snyder poorly (and needlessly) remade one of my favorite films of all time, Dawn of the Dead. The man is on pretty thin ice with me.

But Dr. Manhattan looked pretty amazing. Hell, everyone kinda did. We saw a glimpse of Dr. Manhattan’s Mars. We heard Rorschach’s growl. We saw the Comedian’s cocky grin. We know that the movie is taking place in it’s original time period (the 80’s) which lessens the preachy parallel-to-our-current-administration potential. Everything, thus far, appears to be in order. Time will tell, of course. I am worried about what they will cut out. At 400 pages of Moore’s signature dialog-heavy storytelling, they have to cut something. (And I sure hope it isn’t ANY of Dr. Manhattan’s explanation of time travel and why he is unable to stay connected to the human world.) But for now, I rest a bit easier. I hope Alan Moore does too. But let’s be honest. Ain’t nothing pleasing that old curmudgeon.

And just remember. No matter how bad it gets, it could have been much, much worse:

{{{Shudder}}}

Tags: 300, alan moore, comics, movie, trailers, watchmen, zach snyder

Hellboy II: Creature Overload

I feel the need to refute every other review out there for this film. The majority of reviews are raving about Hellboy II: The Golden Army. But the reasons they love it are the same reasons I think it fell flat. Guillermo Del Toro is a fan-boy director. He is a 13-year-old boy trapped in the body of an arrested adult. Sometimes that works. But in this case, it did not.

The plot is completely nonsensical. One of the last of the albino elves wants to re-raise an army of gold transformers in order to destroy all humans and Hellboy must stop him. Fair enough, but I have questions. Why did the Albino Prince wait so long to attempt this? Was he just working out one day in his lair next to the Subway and decided he was done with humanity? His plan seems to have several steps involving unleashing various monsters upon the Earth. He must also find his twin sister who has the last piece of the crown with which to control the Golden Army. But according to her they have a psychic connection so he can just find her whenever he wants. So why does all of this take so damned long? Just so Abe the fish man can fall doomedly in love with the Albino Princess? So Hellboy and Liz Sherman can have that cliche movie argument where she is pregnant but instead of just telling him like a normal person would, she gets all pissy and throws fire balls?

No. It’s so little Guillermo can make more creatures. CREATURES! OMG! CREATURES! Look at them all! Goblins apparently come in all shapes and sizes. There are some flat-faced dudes too. And some small leachy things. And tumor babies. And this guy with big teeth and no eyes. And a big-assed Treebeard/Godzilla hybrid…and…and…Where was I? Oh yeah. In the middle of a movie. I guess we can have the bad guy battle Hellboy now. He’ll do all those flippy moves we saw him do earlier. But this time it will be against HELLBOY so it will feel fresh and new.

Also, why did the Albino Prince sacrifice the LAST of the Elementals when he knew that Hellboy would have to fight it? So he could get even madder at the humans? Did he think he could win Hellboy over by telling him, after the thing had destroyed half the city, that it was the last of its kind? Albino Prince should take those odds to the roulette table and stop messing with endangered species.

Still more questions: Why the hell do the Dream Team give Jeffrey Tambor such a hard time? As far as I can tell, the man is just trying to do his job directing the B.P.R.D. He has some pretty valid points about Hellboy being insolent. I guess no one likes their boss. But really. Give the guy a break. What are they going to do instead? Open a bakery? Work on their doctorates?

OK, so it wasn’t ALL bad. There were a few shining moments. Ron Perlman is at the top of his game any time Hellboy acts like Hellboy, accepting cigars as motivation and drinking beer. One scene involving drunk Hellboy and Abe talking about women and singing Barry Manilow was a highlight. Though it definitely felt like product placement for Hellboy to have a locker filled with Tecate LIGHT. That’s right. Those silver cans sheath the low calorie version of the classic Mexican beer. I love a cool, refreshing Tecate myself, but I greatly doubt a candy enthusiast like Hellboy would bother with light beer.

Product placement aside, those moments felt like a callback to the comics. But a Hellboy movie should be ALL callback. Del Toro is too easily distracted by his creature-making abilities to bother with a script. And America is too dazzled by his world to pay attention to why we are there in the first place. Why am I the only one who sees this?

Man. I need a Tecate.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army is in theatres now! Check out the trailer on ReelTime.com.

Tags: guillermo del toro, hellboy ii, jeffrey tambor, movies, reviews, ron perlman, selma blair, tecate

Reality Internet Television

I’m a movie guy. It’s my life’s work, my dad’s life work. I grew up in the movie biz; I’ll die in the movie biz. But right across the street here in Hollywood, TV sits. In my Dad’s day, they were the invaders. Now, they’re just annoying. Reality TV – whoever heard such nonsense?

A young friend turned me on to this video on YouTube and it made me laugh.

Then he tells me ReelTime has some reality TV shows. He sez: “They’re not that bad. The best one is this thing called ‘Love For Sale.’ You’ll dig it.” I don’t believe him.
I get ReelTime going and watch the first episode and against my better instincts, I’m hooked. Thank God for ReelTime. I can’t imagine I would have found the time to watch this thing if it was just on TV and I had to make time to watch it. But having it accessible whenever made it work for me, so thanks guys.

‘Love For Sale’ is not like these shows in that YouTube clip. I would describe it as a Western, basically. It’s about the codes of a society on the fringes. But instead of being about men on the frontier, this is about women, in modern times, on the frontier, not literally, but figuratively. And actually, sometimes literally, too.

Even if you’re a movie guy, you’d do alright to watch a few of these. You might be surprised. Ciao.